February
15, 2001
My
name is Brian, and I'm an alcoholic.
I
started drinking at 18, at the same time of starting College, after a strict
Boarding School education. The freedom was overwhelming after such a strict
upbringing and I immediately liked the effect of alcohol.
Without question, for the next 12 years of my drinking career, I drank
for the effect. After College in
1958, 1 was immediately called up for Army National Service and eventually a
Short Service commission. I didn't
even have to pay for the booze, just signed a mess chit and settle at the end of
the month.
The Army imposes
"Geographics" every 2 or 3 years and I found myself in
married the CO’s secretary, 4 days from my 25th birthday.
This was important; it meant I was automatically entitled to married
allowance and diminished pressure on the mess bill. Then back to Aldershot, with
wife, a baby daughter and a number of unpaid bills. By then, my ability to talk
my way out of conflict situations was finely tuned - it even fed my ego that I
had fooled everyone and I was still in control. Deep down though, I was
beginning to become fearful over blackouts and had to exercise all my cunning to
lie my way out of problems, the compounded fear of trying to remember - what lie
I had used last time and was I contradicting or compounding the last spreading
of manure?
Promoted to
Captain and a career move to become a Whitehall warrior. In London, my bout
drinking became more noticeable, but, at the same time, I was occasionally doing
some good work, compensating effort, getting in the Brownie Points to mask
inexplicable absences. My rock
bottom was 7th July 1968 after a weekend duty, with awesome responsibilities. To
this day I have no recollection of what I did, except I was filled with
self-disgust, I had let the side down and myself, I had run out of excuses.
I went and talked to a Medic and for the first time in my life, I was
honest about what had happened. I found myself in Netley Hospital and invited to
go to "The A - Group". My
ego liked that, not a B group, or a C group - the A group. Not until I arrived
there did I understand that it was a sponsored AA meeting.
AA made an
initial impact on me, here was all these people talking openly about the things
I had spent all my life covering up. I
took the AA message totally and without reservations.
I hear many stories of those who struggled to come to terms with
Alcoholism. My struggle was to come to terms with life. However, back to
Aldershot and the help and guidance of a wonderful group and a remarkable
sponsor; I served for another 9 years, with promotion, as an officer and an AA
member. The services actually assist in step 4, a moral inventory; it's called
the Annual Confidential Report. When I left in 1977 I had one A grade to my
name, if nothing else, a testimony to the practical application of the AA
programme to the service way of life.
I'm still very active in AA and, a sobering reflection; I have spent half my
life as an AA member and it's still an adventure, "practicing these
principles in all my affairs".
Brian
Brian
E splits his time between Thailand and his home in the UK. His story
originally appeared in the UK version of AA and the Armed Forces
titled: An Alcoholic in Khaki.
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Glen
H
Revised: 30 Oct 2005 03:40:41 -0800