November
09,
2002
My name is
Joe, and I am an alcoholic
I remember
back at age 12 or 13 feeling like something major was missing from my life and
wondering what it would be like to get drunk. Had my first real drink and
drunk at the age of 14, and I remember thinking how wonderful it was. I
quickly set the pattern for the rest of my high school and college years –
study hard during the week and get drunk Friday and Saturday nights. Actually
it was the pattern for much of my life – do what I thought I had to do, then
drink to escape as soon as possible. Had a few minor scrapes to get out of in
high school and college, but I hung out with other drinkers, so I thought it
was normal to drink heavily every weekend. That pattern continued into my
early work years. Then I decided to go to graduate school for a Master’s
degree in Social Work. During my second year in graduate school, life was so
intense and busy that I decided that my old pattern did not work anymore, so I
quit drinking for about six months. Upon completion, I celebrated with a
bottle of wine, thinking nothing of it.
Upon graduation, I obtained employment as a social worker in an outpatient addiction treatment clinic. Since I did not see my own drinking as a problem, I did not feel any conflict between my job and my life style. I learned a lot about alcoholism, drug addiction, mental health, and AA, particularly from a couple of my co-workers who were also in recovery. Shortly thereafter, I started dating the woman who would become my wife. She drank occasionally, so we drank together, but generally not to excess. I occasionally went out with friends and drank heavily, but for the most part, alcohol was not a major part of my life. When my son was born 3 months premature, I was too busy to drink regularly or too heavily on a regular basis. To me, this period of my life was the proof that I was not alcoholic.
But as the years went on, and my son began to grow and medically stabilize, my drinking began to increase in amount and frequency.
I always used alcohol as my primary route of escape from reality. I came to understand that only after some time in AA. But along the way I also crossed the line into physical addiction. I used to tell myself that I couldn’t be an alcoholic because when I drank with other heavy drinkers, I always had to stop drinking long before they did and I always felt much worse than they seemed to feel the next day. I couldn’t drink with “the big guys”. Then one day, taking a shower after a night of drinking, I realized that I felt fine and had been drinking all night long. Instead of being worried, however, I felt proud. I could now drink like “the big guys”! In reality, my tolerance had begun to increase rapidly. My drinking by then was daily and increasing steadily. I went to work every day, I met family responsibilities, and I stayed out of trouble as much as possible because I did not want alcohol to be the problem, because that would have meant quitting drinking. And not drinking was not an acceptable option then. By this point, my thinking was entirely screwed up. When I found out my wife was pregnant with our daughter, I decided that my best possible course of action was to stay drunk.
Having knowledge of alcoholism, I began to diagnose myself, particularly when drunk. I would go through the symptoms in my mind and kept coming up with the terrible conclusion that I was an alcoholic. I tried not to think about it when I was sober. Try as I might, I kept reaching the conclusion that I was alcoholic. I knew where I would have sent a client who had my symptoms – AA. I had not yet lost family relationships yet, no DUI’s yet, hadn’t had work trouble yet, had never been arrested yet, but I could not stop drinking. I would tell myself that I was not going to drink that day, and by noon I would be planning when I would be able to take that first drink. I set a quit date and passed it right up continuing to drink daily. I felt that my double life was going to collapse at any moment. So what was my response? I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to keep on drinking. I had admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic, but I was unable to quit drinking or maintain a desire to not drink.
The night before my wife’s birthday, I went out drinking all night. The next day, my son missed school because I was unable to get out of bed and take him. He was only 6 at the time, but he pretty much had to fend for himself that day. I was barely able to pull myself together sufficiently to get a cake and cook dinner for my wife on her birthday. I had begun toying with the idea of going to AA in my mind. I took my wife out for dinner the next day, and decided not to drink that day. The next day was Sunday, and I knew deep down that it was only a short time before I drank again. I went to church that day, and said one particular prayer: “God, please get me to an AA meeting tonight.” That night at dinner, I told my wife that I was an alcoholic and that I was going to AA. She told me she thought my drinking was out of hand, but she did not think I was an alcoholic. Thank God I did not listen to her. She has since heard enough of my story (I hid my drinking quite well, I guess) that she has no doubts. That night, I attended my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.
My first meeting was a Beginners Meeting, and they had a first step meeting for me. I heard all about me in everybody else’s stories. I knew I was home. It had been years since I had felt comfortable being me without alcohol, but I felt at home at that first meeting. I did not understand it then, but I had found the “We” of the program. They said, “Keep coming back”. I didn’t know what else to do so I kept coming back. After about two weeks, one guy started bugging me about getting a sponsor every time he saw me. He suggested that I attend a particular Men’s Step Meeting and get a sponsor there. At that time, I had begun thinking about running away to Las Vegas to pursue another bit of insanity, and I was not sure that I would truly stay sober if I did so. So I went to the suggested meeting. They asked me if I had a sponsor, and pointed me to a man who is my sponsor today. He told me: 1) Get on my knees and ask God for help not to take a drink that day and to thank God at night if I hadn’t drank, 2) Have a quiet time every morning, 3) Read the Big Book every day, 4) Go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every day, and 5) Call my sponsor every day. I wanted to argue about those things, but God gave me a different idea – “Shut up and do what you are told for once!” So I did. And my sponsor began taking me through the Twelve Steps.
I have not had a drink since that first meeting, that only by the Grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I count my sobriety date, the first day I didn’t drink, as 4/16/99. Sometimes I marvel at the fact that God got me to AA when He did. I hear many stories of people who have lost much more than I due to alcohol before getting sober, some even who lost everything and still cannot get sober. Why should I be sober today? Why didn’t I continue to drink and stay in denial longer? I could have rationalized my drinking much longer, at least until I had some more tangible losses. The only conclusion that I can reach is that God wanted me to quit drinking.
My daughter was born when I was sober 5 months. Today, I feel blessed to have my wife and children in my life. I have been able to participate in my family in ways that I couldn’t even imagine when I was drinking. I have continued in the same career field. I was director of an addiction treatment program within a large social service agency when I got sober, and I have that same job today. I have a personal relationship with a God of my understanding. I get joy from being of service to others, both in AA and other areas of my life.
I wish I could say that I have a wonderful relationship with my wife. But I don’t. I am still in so many ways selfish, self-centered, and inconsiderate when it comes to the people closest to me. As I continue to practice the principles contained in the Twelve Steps, these relationships have improved ever so slowly.
When I had problems outside of alcoholism, my sponsor would tell me the answer – “Don’t drink and go to meetings.” So I didn’t drink and I went to meetings. In particular, I like attending step meetings, because at the step meetings I will generally hear the rest of the answer. The answers are contained in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous; in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous; and in the experience, strength, and hope of those who have successfully applied the principles of the Twelve Steps in their lives. But I wouldn’t hear those answers if I were drinking, and AA meetings are the only place I know in which I will hear the spiritual way of life contained in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Joe P lives in Chicago and would love to hear from you.
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Glen H
Revised:
30 Oct 2005 03:40:41 -0800