February 15, 2001
My
name is
Melissa and I am an alcoholic and an addict.
I
was raised in a Mormon family. No drinking, smoking, swearing, or anything
“fun” so I thought. At 16 I began to rebel as most of us do. At a party pot
was passed to me with a ball of tar opium on the top. That was my introduction
to drugs. I still had never even drunk alcohol. I remember that feeling of
freedom from worries, that immediate change of mood that occurred. Oh did I love
it. Here was something that could make me feel safe and free and happy, what a
wonderful thing I thought. I was soon drinking or drugging every weekend I could
get away with it. I never got drunk, I never lost complete control. There were
no black outs, nothing bad happened I thought I had it all under control.
Well
I graduated from high school and married my sweetheart. We continued to drink
and drug together. After a year and a half I became pregnant with our daughter.
I immediately stopped everything. I wouldn’t even take an aspirin for fear
that it would hurt the baby. After Bethany was born and I had stopped
breast-feeding my brother and his friend came over with some beer and pot. It
had been over a year since I had anything and I couldn’t wait.
After
the birth of my daughter I had gained weight. Wanting to get back to my skinny
pre-pregnant self I decided that cocaine was the way to go. Many people at my
work used it to keep them thin and happy. I didn’t see any harm in it. How
foolish we can be. It started out as a gram a week. I would ration it out to
myself a little here and a little there. Within a year I would consume $300 of
cocaine a day just to function. In order to sleep I had to drink heavily until I
passed out. Then more coke to wake up. It was an unending cycle. My husband was
there with me all the way. Soon the cocaine wasn’t enough for him. He began to
smoke crack for more of a high. After a month he refused to buy me any more
cocaine. I jumped feet first into crack addiction. Let me tell you this, crack
cocaine is one of the most hideous things in the world. You will do ANYTHING for
another hit, and I did. We were unable to take care of our beautiful daughter,
so I gave her to my mother. My husband quit his job and we lived in crack houses
living day-to-day trying to get that next hit. After almost 6 months of this I
decided that I couldn’t continue to live like this. I went to my mother and
asked for help.
I got a job and a small room for rent. I still was unable to take care of my daughter, but I thought I was on the right track. I still hadn’t truly admitted I had a problem. This is when I rediscovered alcohol. I could drink and drink and drink. Nobody looked down on me, it was accepted. I found comrades at the bars, other people so desperately alone that one drinking to oblivion would make them feel better. I would still sneak to the crack house once a month or so, but I was convinced that I didn’t have a problem. My job got better; I started making some decent money. I moved into a nice house, my roommate was the bar tender at my bar. I was soon there every night. Drinking and laughing and waking up in strange places not remembering how I got there or where my car was. This lasted about 2 or 3 months. Finally one night in a drunken blackout I announced to the bar that I was going to smoke crack. I don’t remember driving there. I don’t remember that first hit. Sometime that night I came out of the blackout to realize that I had just spent my $600 paycheck on drugs. I had no money for rent or food. That is when I remembered that my mother was going to be dropping my daughter off for me to take care of her for a week while my mother went to the beach. I remember watching the clock tick 5 a.m. and then 6 a.m. I thought to myself, if I leave now she will just think I am hung over. I’ll make some excuse to my roommate about the rent money; I can still get away with it. The problem is I still had drugs in my hands. The clock turned to 7 a.m. and then to 8 a.m. I knew that my mother would be at my house then. I could’ve still gotten away with it, but I couldn’t make myself leave. I was powerless. I knew that staying would cause me to loose my daughter forever. My whole life that I had worked so hard to attain hung in the balance, and yet I couldn’t leave. The drugs had that much of a hold on me. Finally around 10 a.m. that morning I ran out of money and drugs. I got a hold of a gun and sat in my car. I couldn’t continue like this. I had to end it. I sat there for about 2 or 3 hours trying to decide where I should shoot myself, where should I park the car to be found, should I leave a note… It finally hit me that I wasn’t willing to die. The instinct for survival was too strong for me. I slowly drove home. My mother had left a message telling me that I would never see my daughter again; she knew that I was out doing drugs. I collapsed into my bed and slept for 2 days. Wednesday morning I went to work. I was avoiding my roommate so she couldn’t ask me for rent. I went online and looked up Alcoholics Anonymous I found a site call Staying Cyber. For the first time I reached out for help from people who understood my pain. The loving people there encouraged me to go to a meeting. After a day or so contemplation I finally went to an AA meeting. That was April 9th, 1999. I went to Staying Cyber April 7th and that is the date of my sobriety. I have yet to find a reason to take a drink or a drug since that day.
My first year was almost too easy. I thrived in the program. Within 3 months my mother trusted me again. I was in my daughter’s life. My work was going well. I moved in with another single mother in the program. I went to meeting every day and went to my on-line meetings too. Things began to fall into place in my life. I learned that when I let go of my expectations and desires and just did the next right thing, well that my Higher Powers had such better plans for me than I had ever imagined. About half way through my second year in sobriety my youngest brother was hospitalized for pneumonia. After a few days of testing we learned that it was HIV related. I watched my brother waste into nothing within a matter of a month. My other two brothers drank and smoked pot to avoid the pain. My mother was a basket case. I went to meetings and shared my pain. I went on-line and cried for help. My friends in the program rallied around me. I was able to walk through the pain and misery without taking a drink. I was blessed to be sitting with my brother, holding his hand when he passed. He told me how proud of me he was that I had cleaned my life up, and I could be clear headed when I told him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything in the world.
I
am now two months away from my two-year mark in sobriety. I’m still so young
in the program. I can tell you this though. My life right now is more fulfilling
and blessed than I ever imagined was possible. I have full custody of my
daughter today. My ex-husband has cleaned up; he is paying child support and is
an active part of our daughter’s life. We are friends and can do what is best
for her. I have a job in which people respect my opinions and value my
contributions. I have made the most amazing friends. People who love me
unconditionally and are there for me and I am there for. The promises are
already beginning to come to pass. Some days I am so full of bliss and gratitude
I feel like I am going to burst. Most importantly I have a relationship with my
Higher Powers. I know deep within my soul that I am no longer alone. That hole
within me is being filled with spirit. I am beginning to be comfortable in my
own skin, and that is something I always thought would be impossible. Words can
not describe the many blessing that have came into my life, and to think all I
had to do to receive them all is to admit powerlessness over drugs and alcohol
and to show up for my life.
Mel
Melissa B, "Mel" attends AA in
Atlanta, Georgia. She also wrote The World Wide Web of AA
on her experiences with sobriety and the Internet.
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Glen
H
Revised: 30 Oct 2005 03:40:41 -0800