February 15, 2001


Hi I’m Phil an alcoholic.  I’m not sure where to start in my story, how do you ever fit ones life experiences into a few short paragraphs without writing a novel?

I was born in Gateshead which is in the North East of England in August 1970.  My Mother worked in the offices of a printing factory down on the banks of the Tyne, which separates us from the much larger and more famous city of Newcastle upon Tyne; my father was an accountant.

At the age of about two I developed a tumour in the right side of my head which most of the doctors misdiagnosed as a bad case of a headcold or flu, my mother was persistent that it was something more serious and eventually found a doctor that would sit up and listen to her.  I was sent to see several specialists and eventually the tumour was removed from my brain, the operation took place in January 1973 under a surgeon named Mr Kalbag.  My mother was told the next five years of my life were crucial in case the tumour came back even though it wasn’t cancerous.  I was given little or no chance of ever walking again and was told I’d most likely grow up retarded in some ways.  During physiotherapy to get the muscles working again in my legs the nurses wanted me to learn to crawl again, but I was a stubborn old git even at that age, I’d already taken my first footsteps as a toddler and I wanted to walk again, walk I wanted and walk I did.

At this point in my story I’ll fast forward a bit for the sake of space and discrepancies of early childhood although I can say it was a fairly happy childhood early on in life except for the regular visits to the hospitals to have checkups on my progress.  I had a normal schooling in a sense but I was always aware that the teachers kept an extra careful eye on me as they knew about the tumour and the operation and besides my balance and co-ordination wasn’t as good as the other kids.  In junior school I was turned down the chance to go to a place called Dukeshouse Wood at the age of nine because the headmaster deemed me incapable.  When I left to go to Senior school I came under a lot of “stick” and subsequently put up with a fair amount of bullying of the other kids, some of which had been my former friends at Junior school, gossip was spread and rumours ran like wildfire, I was given a bottle of milk once off one of the kids but when I opened it and took a mouthful it wasn’t milk, it was paint.  I came in for a considerable amount of “practical jokes” off the other kids after that and that was my first day in the school.  I missed out again on a chance to go skiing in Austria at the age of fifteen because again the headmaster deemed me incapable.

I’ll skip forward a year at this point to when I turned sixteen, I had already left school with a few month’s remaining until my birthday, most of the time was spent drinking in pubs and shooting pool.  When I turned sixteen I got on what was called a “YTS Scheme”, I started going out with some lads at work at weekends clubbing and drinking in either Newcastle or Whitley Bay.  I always had to have one more than they did, as though I was trying to prove myself to be either equal or even superior to them.

My mother left home without a word when I was sixteen just after I got on the YTS scheme, all she left was a note, that was to be the last I saw or heard from my mother for about five or six years and the last I saw of her for about seven  years, nobody knew whether she was alive or dead, I blamed myself of course, it was my fault my parents were always arguing, it was my fault my Father was always working late, sometimes until three or four in the morning and then back to work again at eight, it was my fault he went away frequently on business trips, it was my fault he drank too much, it was my fault he got diabetes and was rushed to hospital while we were on holiday in a place called Eyemouth in Scotland.

At the age of eighteen and after many many blackouts and many nights spent in jail cells I went to an AA meeting, I attended that one meeting and never bothered going back, yeah they were nice folks but I wasn’t like that and I wasn’t going to be like that either! 

At age twenty six I was still living with my Father and his girlfriend, who lived with either of their parents at twenty six years of age? Many arguments and many arrests later and at the age of twenty six my Father finally blew his top and threw me out of the house, I had nowhere to go, I couldn’t afford a place of my own, I had no money or anything of value.  I still had a job though.  My mother now living back up here with her boyfriend took me in, but I wanted a place of my own-the banks and building societies wouldn’t give me a mortgage because I wasn’t earning enough and everything I made went on booze anyway.

My father gave me some money, but he gave it indirectly through my mother, I never actually saw the money thank god because I know I would have wasted the lot, my mother put forward a loan and with the money I was able to buy a flat.  I continued drinking, thinking that I’ve got what I always wanted a place of my own, I kept on getting drunk, getting thrown out of bars and getting arrested.

February the fourth 1999 I returned to AA, everything else had failed, the counselling, the diaries etc, although at one point I did manage to stay off the drink for a four month period.  Exactly sixty seven days after I walked into AA I picked up a drink again, on my way to a meeting of all places, I walked in drunk, nobody condoned me, all I got was “keep coming back”, the next day I was back with the addition of a black eye and a really bad hangover, that was February the tenth 1999 and for the grace of God I have not had a drink since.  Of course there’s a lot I haven’t said, but like I said in the beginning, how do you put thirty years of life into a few short paragraphs.

Life is never easy, but it’s one thousand percent better than what it was.  I’ve paid the loan back to my mother, I’ve moved from the flat into a house because I can now get a mortgage, but the best part is I don’t have to drink or live in that hell anymore.  I have respect for myself and people respect me, I’m not perfect and never will be, cos if I ever think I am I’ll be back drinking and back in that void of hell from whence I came.  

Thank you God and Thank you AA.

Phil A

Phil A makes his home in the UK, and would enjoy hearing from you.

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Glen H
Revised: 30 Oct 2005 03:40:41 -0800