Sanders W

Hi All Y'all I am very definitely a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders. My story goes something like this.

My first drink was at about age 14 or 15, and I was different then than the rest of the kids in the group. We had a six pack between the five of us and we were passing each beer around, and each would have a sip and pass it to the next person. When it came to me, I wanted the entire beer, and can still remember how awful it tasted. For that reason I will always believe I was an alcoholic from the day I too my first breath.

I can't blame my drinking on my bringing up because I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted even though I was brought up in a very strict Southern Baptist home. I rebelled at lots. I was being taught at the time, as many of us do, but my parents were good to me and provided well for me. I managed to not have any problems while I was still at home, but when I made it to college, and the US Navy, I was at last a free man to do as I wished, so I proceeded to drink everything I could get my hands on. I was nearly kicked out of a Baptist college because a drunk woman was standing on the front lawn at 3AM calling for me to come down and get her or she was coming up to get me. As any good alkie would have done in that case, rather than be kicked out, I quit, and went in the Navy.

I had many very close calls while in the Navy, but still got into no real trouble while there. I had one hit and run in Key West when I was so drunk I couldn't have hit the floor with my hat, but the man I hit and left in the area was so determined to have me put UNDER the jail, that the judge go so angry with him that he told me to pay for his damages and for us both to get out of his court.

I had gotten married while in Key West to a great lady, and she made me very good wife for 20 years and put up with my crap for all those years and not one time did she ever even threaten to leave me. When I got out of the service, I came home to be in business with my dad and shortly after, I had the chance to buy a very good business in Marianna, which I did. I got involved in all the social things you are SUPPOSED to do when new in business, and I loved it in every way except there was no time to look after my business. I kept my booze at the store and spent many hours there working late so I could drink. It only took me about three years to drink that business away, and I went to Central Florida to go to work for my wife's brother.

I became a certified operator in water and wastewater treatment, and was given a 4x4 truck to use as I wished, and this is when I started to drink around the clock. The last several years of my drinking, I drank because I had to in order to function at all. I had my first real blackout while at work. I was called out at night to check a lift station, which is a hole in the ground that pumps sewage to the treatment plant. This one was some 28 feet down and I went down and repaired a hot control panel while standing in about 8 inches of raw sewage. I was called into the office next morning and told what a great job I had done and I have no memory of it at all. The strange part of this is I don't even know electricity, except that water and it don't mix too well.

This was the start of my many trips to the hospitals and shrinks. I had several suicide attempts and, after one where I had been to Gainesville to a school, was checked in on Sunday. I never left the room and on Thursday, they called my wife and told her they were worried about me, so she and my son came up and got me and took me home once more. The next visit to the shrink, I was telling him of this trip to Gainesville and he asked me if I had tried to commit suicide and I told him no so he said that was GOOD. I never went back to him.

In reading Andrew's story, he said he had shock treatments too, and I well remember mine as I was not put to sleep for them. I can tell you now they are NOT fun by any stretch of the imagination and I don't recommend them to anyone. The only thing I can say is they may have helped me with is that today I still cannot remember the good times in drinking, where most people do. It has destroyed lots of my memory and how important something is has no bearing on if I can recall it or not. Most anything to do with numbers, I am dead in he water as to remembering them.

I continued drinking till I finally was fired from my position with a very large private Utility Company, and after about 2 weeks I landed a job with Pasco County Utilities, which I retired from in 1996 after some 20 plus years there. As I was getting to the end of my "research" I got my DWI and the worst thing I ever remember doing drunk was being up on the hood of the car with my wife and two children locked inside, with me beating on the front windshield trying to break it to get to my wife, and I don't even know why I was mad with them. This was very near the end of my drinking, when I realize I had wanted to hurt them.

Not too long after, I was home drunk again for about 6 days and never bothered to call in sick. This was my last drink I have ever had. It was a small amount of warm 80 proof vodka, and it nearly killed me. I had to crawl to the bathroom because I couldn't walk. That drink was on Saturday morning, and later I came in and went to bed or passed out. Finally on Thursday I did the county a big favor and went in to work. When I got there, I was called into the office to be fired, I found out later, by the boss. He asked me if I had family problems and I said NO, he then asked if I had financial problems and I said NO to all the questions. My eyes were on the floor and after several other questions, he said do you have a drinking problem? With that, my eyes came up off the floor and looked him straight in the face and said "Not anymore, I don't".

He went on to tell me I was the best worker he had when I was there but I was just so undependable. I was still very sick and he knew it so he sent me home for the two days left and told me to come back Monday ready to get back to work. This was on Thursday and on Sunday I went BACK to AA.

This is all over a period of 7 1/2 years since I had first tried AA and found it didn't work for me. In that time I have picked up 100 to 150 white chips and only have one 90 day chip. Once I was finally able to get over that hurdle I have never looked back. When Dick, my sponsor then, took me to that "first back" meeting on Sunday night, I was met at the door by the ugliest man I had ever seen in my entire life with a cigar sticking out his mouth. He said, "Hi my names Julian and the judge sent me". He and I became very good friend and he died some 10 years or so later with heart attack but he died sober.

I still was not ready to completely surrender to the entire program of AA, and I hurt very badly for the next 5 years, and didn't know why. On the very day I was to be sober 5 years, I was driving on US 19 at work in my county car when I started to cry and couldn't stop. It was so bad, I had to pull off the road and just "happened" to be in front a place of business owned by a man in AA. He saw me and came out and sat with me, and we talked and this is when I finally allowed God to come into my life and to let him start to change me.

I went back and looked at my 4th step that had been killing me and it suddenly became a very positive experience for me where as before it was very negative. From that day forward I have been happy, joyous and free. As my sponsor today says, I like it this way lots better. I was very lucky to have had Woody W. from Ozona to take me through the steps and from that experience I know today the answer is in the steps for me. My favorite meetings today are from the big book and my very favorite ones of all are the step meetings from that same book. I have several things wrong with me that makes getting out a bit more difficult for me, one being the one lung I have and emphysema and a very profound hearing loss, but I still manage to make 4 to 5 meetings per week.

I go today not because I feel I have to but because I want to and also I want to be there for that new man or woman if they just happen in the night. I'm there, 'cause they were there when I went o my first meeting. I, too, consider the coffee pot my on-line home group and they are the greatest people in the world as I have had several in my home, and I love you all very much.

God does still love each one of you and so do I and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. My sobriety date is Sept 6th 1975, and I thank God daily that I have arrived.

Sanders

Sanders W lives in Graceville, Florida. His ICQ# is 14412521 and he enjoys sharing his ES&H.

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